Everyone wants to know how to deal with difficult people.
The debate is often do we shun them, deal them out or deal with them (deal them in)?
Many people are strong advocates for dealing them out and they have some good arguments. In fact, this can be a successful approach. On the other hand, there are consequences to dealing people out. We’ve all asked the question: “How does that idiot have so much influence?
Robert I. Sutton, PhD, Professor of management science and engineering at Stanford University, talks about how to recognize an asshole (even if we are one) in his book The No Asshole Rule (*):
- Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the “target” feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him- or herself?
- Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful.
THE DIRTY DOZEN
Common Everyday Actions That Assholes Use
- Personal insults
- Invading one’s “personal territory”
- Uninvited physical contact
- Threats and intimidation, both verbal and nonverbal
- “Sarcastic jokes” and “teasing” used as insult delivery systems
- Withering e-mail flames
- Status slaps intended to humiliate their victims
- Public shaming or “status degradation” rituals
- Rude interruptions
- Two-faced attacks
- Dirty looks
- Treating people as if they are invisible
I’ve highlighted the two I see most often from Dr. Sutton’s list and you may highlight others on the list. As you can see, we all qualify at times but hopefully not chronically and hopefully we don’t take too much pride in our asshole skills (consciously or unconsciously).
It’s OK to have one just don’t be one.
Also, if you are like me, you have observed that so-called religious people are often the worst “list” offenders even though they claim to be students of the bible. People are people even if they are hypocrites.
John P. Kotter, Konosuke Matsushita Professor of Leadership, Emeritus, at Harvard Business School and Lorne A. Whitehead, Leader of Education Innovation at the University of British Columbia say this in their book buy*in:
“It is difficult to overstate the negative effects caused by an attitude of disrespect. It can draw attention but not the kind you want. You lose buy-in, rather than gaining it.
Regular, everyday people attack proposals all the time, for all sorts of conscious and unconscious reasons. Therefore, treating anyone with even a modicum of disrespect risks a backlash from the person, or, more importantly, from the audience. The audience might see you as unfair or unjust. This raises the same questions about values and character that give power to character assassination and ridicule strategies.
Reacting to an obvious bully by being a bigger bully, dodging bullets and then shooting bigger bullets back, dealing with angry attacks by serving even angrier responses–any actions on your part that aggressively belittle even genuinely unkind attackers–can make an audience sympathetic to those attackers…”
Much of our life is spent learning how to deal with difficult people that some would call assholes for a better term. Many corporations will no longer tolerate their existence. They don’t fit the corporate culture and their cost to the organization is huge–even if they are a superstar.
However, don’t get the idea that assholes aren’t often successful per Robert Sutton, PhD, The No Asshole Rule (*):
“More broadly, leadership research shows that subtle nasty moves like glaring and condescending comments, explicit moves like insults or put-downs, and even physical intimidation can be effective paths to power. Rod Kramer, another Stanford colleague, showed in Harvard Business Review how ‘intimidators’ including former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, former Miramax head Harvey Weinstein, former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, and, of course, Apple CEO Steve Jobs gained and expanded their power through the strategic use of nasty stares, put-downs, and bullying. Kramer explains how Johnson studied other people closely and used strategic insults and temper tantrums that were fine-tuned to play on the insecurities of fellow politicians. Kramer also reports the Fiorina was admired and feared for her ability to ‘stare down opponents.’”(*) Awarded the best business book of the year (2007 Quill Awards ceremony)
